Just before turning 13 weeks and entering the second trimester I saw a pea sized spot of blood. I've never spotted EVER while pregnant so there was alarm. I called my dr and I got in for an ultrasound right away. The ultrasound showed no big problems the baby's heartbeat was in the 166 range and strong, growth was normal and all seemed well. I had a small hemorrhage which they believed to be the cause of the spotting and I should take it easy. .So I did. I would do small things in the morning rest in the afternoon and I stopped bootcamp. We also called Jacob's brother Adam and ER DR. in LA who told me about the condition and said it was totally normal. Lots of women experience it and go on to have perfectly healthy babies. Jacob had to travel a lot for work around this time so I was alone a lot. Our families helped me with our kids and other people in our neighborhood too.
A week after my first spotting I went to the bathroom and found what I felt was a significant amount of blood. I again called my dr got right in for an ultrasound. Baby was growing just fine had a heartbeat of 158. I calmed down and took it easy the rest of the day. I felt awful ever since 7 weeks and that night was no different. I had a horrible head ache and my stomach hurt (which it had for months). I went to bed early with the kids. In the middle of the night I woke up feeling like someone bashed me over the head my headache was so bad and my stomach was cramping.
By 6 am when the kids were up Jacob checked on me. I was probably not looking to good and he decided he was going to stay home and help that day. He had a few errands that he had to run and a meeting at 1 other then that he was going to be home. When Jacob was about to leave for his errands we decided the kids needed to be watched by someone else. Jacob's aunt Julie quickly came over and took our kids to her house. Jacob left around 10 and returned a little before noon. He brought me juice so I could try and get some what hydrated. By this time I was in a lot of pain and cramping a lot. I called my uncle Bill who was an OBGYN told him my symptoms and he too felt it was the small hemorrhage. He said the mothers are aware but the babies have no idea it was happening. (everyone thought this because there really wasn't that much blood and the baby showed a healthy heartbeat as well as good growth, with no signs of any other reason for the small amounts bleeding)
***WARNING*** I'm sure by the title of this you know what happening. This next part is probably TMI for everyone but it is what happened and this is my journal so it's here. You can read on if you want but I would suggest stopping if medical things make you squeamish or if you're pregnant.
By this time I had convinced myself the bleeding was from the hemorrhage and the cramping was from the dehydration, because of all this information we felt it was okay for Jacob to leave for his business meeting. From about 12 to 2:50ish my pain really spiked. I was starting to really ball up in pain about every three minutes, then feel perfectly fine. These few minutes of feeling perfectly fine was the reason I stayed in pain for so long before telling anyone. I tried to watch TV to distract myself from the pain. After a while I realized that the pain was very similar to labor. They were three minutes apart lasting a little over a minute. I can't explain why it took me so long to accept or even realize how serious things were but at some point it happened...I'm thinking denial but who knows.
I called my mother in law first. She is the type of person that has a level view of things and when she seems panicked then you should probably start freaking out. I heard once that Cecil (my father in law) wasn't feeling well she thought that he was fine and wouldn't take him to the hospital. Cecil finally drove himself to the hospital and his blood pressure was dangerously low and he really did need to be in the hospital. I decided that if Linda was worried it was time to take some action. Linda was very very worried. I quickly called my mother and asked her to come to my house right away. My mother I would say is the opposite of Linda. She worries, and basically prepares for the worst and anything less is a gift. I also called a neighbor and emailed Eli's teacher about arrangements for Eli to get home. I could hardly take 2 steps I knew there was no way I could walk across the street to pick up Eli.
My mom got here but the front door was locked. I seriously hard the hardest time getting out of bed and walking to the front door. I started to feel pain even in my legs. I had to brace myself on the bed and walls to make it to the door. I was in so much pain I couldn't even stand up right. My mom saw me and said, "Stacy nothing about this is normal." I knew she was right and I figured we would wait to get Eli situated and then head to the hospital. We started to walk back to my room and I thought I should see if there was blood. No sooner did I sit down did I get a horrible pain and I felt something rather large move from me. I looked down expecting to see a large clot, instead I saw two tiny arms and tiny little legs. I screamed telling my mother is was the baby. It was horrible it was traumatic but to make it worse the baby was still attached me, hanging from the umbilical cord. I couldn't pull because it was attached somewhere deep inside. We couldn't cut it because of the chance of bleeding. According to my uncle this had to be done by a physician. This is the moment I lost it. I was already crying. I was already in pain. I had already held this little body in a towel for at least 10 minutes. I was traumatized. I felt pushed to my limit and now I was being told that I had to drive to the hospital like this. I was sobbing, shaking and I heard the school bells ring earlier. I was expecting Eli to walk in the door any minute. I had to get it together this little boy couldn't walk into this craziness. Then just as it seemed I gave into the awful scenario I had one more horrible cramp and the baby was free.
I was ready for the hospital but now I just needed Eli and Jacob to get home. Eli some how was wondering around the neighborhood playing with friends and being social. Jacob was in west phoenix when he got the news. Poor guy was so far away and it was poring rain. I could only imagine what an awful drive that must of been for him. Once Jacob got home he drove me to the hospital. This ride was no fun as I was bleeding and having horrible cramps. It's basically like labor and the drive seemed to take forever. Driving in the rain didn't help. We finally got there they put me in a wheelchair and I had to wait out in the waiting room before a bed was available. Jacob went back with a Dr. to see the baby. Soon they realized I was bleeding so much that I was making puddles on the floor I also looked white as a ghost and had really low blood pressure, because of all of this I got to cut a few people and I got the next available bed. Once the Dr came he said he had to do a pelvic exam and then they would do an ultrasound to make sure everything was out. The pelvic exam was like round two of my suffering, not only was I already in pain but then he had to cut snip pull and scrap things out. This seemed to go on for days, thank goodness Jacob was there to hold my hands. After the Dr was done they gave me some morphine. The ultrasound looked good and a little before 8 we headed home. I am sure I thought I just need this to be over in my head at least a thousand times and now it finally was.
About an hour after everything was done I started to feel better. I was hungry and thirsty. I haven't been hungry since November. I drank water. Another item I hadn't had since November with out throwing it up. Maybe it was the morphine but I ached everywhere for months and in those moments I felt relaxed. It was at this moment I realized that it was never a healthy pregnancy. My body was seriously suffering and I knew no matter how painful it is to admit that this miscarriage was what had to happen.
There is a lot of pain in our house right now. Jacob and I are dealing with a lot of emotions and it's hard to think about anything or even to think about what we do next. We have both decided to only look at the silver lining. Only focus on the good and think of a bright future. We can't think what ifs, or what might have been because that only leads down a road of pain and suffering and we have had enough of that.
Things I want to remember...our tender mercies
- I'm so thankful my mom got there when she did. She wasn't there for more then 30 seconds before things got super crazy. To think of all of that happening and me being alone would have added a whole new level of fear and suffering.
- Jacob is never in west phoenix that is easily an hour drive at the time of day. He probably got to me in around 20 minutes in the rain!
- I'm so happy we decided to have Julie take her kids to her house rather then stay at house. I couldn't imagine what those two little kiddos would have done seeing or even just hearing what was happening.
- Through out my pregnancy and miscarriage people have been bringing me treat and flowers. For a while all I could really eat was Thrive. I had so many sweet neighbors call me when they were there or just drop of things they thought might help from drinks, to homemade bread. I also had plenty of people willing to take and care for my kids
- The peace we feel. Don't get me wrong Jacob and I are heartbroken and hurting but for some reason we don't feel a sad dark cloud hanging over us. Honestly even when my heart is breaking the most I still feel comforted and a sense of peace.
- Only maybe a dozen people know what happened this weekend and I've had my house cleaned meals brought, flower and treats. We have been loved and blessed.
- As I ran out to Jacob truck it was rainy. I closed the door then I heard a little knock. I opened it to see Eli soaking wet holding his backpack. He handed it to me and said mom hold this over your head when you go back out in the rain, it will help keep you dry. He's such a sweet boy always trying to find some way to help and show he cares.
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