Cleaning = therapy

After loosing my dad my mom has been stressed about a few things. As a family we want to try and take away as much stress as possible. Today we went over and worked on her side yard and the garage. My dad liked to keep everything so we just helped clean some of it up. We found a lot of treasure. This was hard for me both physically and emotionally. There was a lot of dad in what we found. We had some good laughs some good cries. I'm glad we did it and I am also positive my mom is glad we did it too. The littles came to help too. Ethan found a bunch of my dads old knives and they loved looking at all of those. We also found his cowboy hate and other neat things like that. Eli said to Jacob later, "geeze papa was really cool. Did you know he was a cowboys and has tons of knives?"

Helping my mom go thought old stuff today. Found this gem. anyone Else's mom have an article in the wall street journal? I always knew she was cool but it went to a whole new level today. PS this article came out on my parents anniversary too.

I never want to forget:

While Ismael and Isbell were cleaning up the truck. We drove up. Eli jumped out super fast and stared running to the truck. He then saw them smiled and walked away. He later told me that when we drove up he thought one of them was Papa and they Papa and been reserected.

 

Putting my Dad to Rest

These pictures I posed over a year ago...I never journaled it and quite frankly I haven't really journaled since my dad died. I used to be so good at documenting events a feelings and ever since loosing my dad I have stopped all that. It has made me sad and know my dad is surely upset that I am not recording these memories, but today I fix that... today November 9th 2014 . This is what I remember about putting my dad to rest

• It was a beautiful service. A lot of people came to the funeral and I was even more impressed that so many people drove 3 hours to burry him.
• Lee, Steph and I spoke. I think we did a great job. We laughed we cried and he paid tribute to a wonderful man.
• It was the most beautiful day ever up north. The weather was nice actually perfect. We had the loveliest sunset. It was my dad dream day
• When we got there the hole was dug but there was water.  They tried to clean it out but they couldn't so we couldn't actually put him in the ground. We dedicated the grave (uncle Gayle did) It was a beautiful prayer and the spirt was very strong. 
• After the grave side service Gayle and Velma had everyone to their house. We had a lovely meal and hung out on their land. My dad loved this land. I still have a very vivid memory of the 24th of july up there with my dad, Jacob and Eli. We walked the property and pet the horses. It is one of my mom vivid memories and where I got one of my favorite pictures of all time. I haven't been back since that day, but when Jacob and I were there we saw the beautiful horse (the same one from the pictures). At the end of the night there was a beautiful sunset and I saw the horse off in the distance with it. It was so peaceful and happy it was very symbolic. Honestly I felt my dad spirt so strong. I felt like he didn't want to be in the ground yet because he wanted to be at Gayle's after. Everything was so perfect and pretty the whole family was together. It was his perfect day. That's how it wanted it to end and so that is how it ended. Not with him on the ground but with the whole family together....just as it will be...someday
• The nest day the Gilmore's and Jacob left. My mom couldn't leave without putting my dad in the ground. I felt like I wanted to stay and since I had nothing pushing me home I stayed with my mom for two days up north. It was nice we relaxed and really enjoyed ourselves. Deanna and Debbie stayed too. 
• The monday morning we went to his grave sight. This time my dad was placed in a concrete tomb and lowered in the ground. My mom and I walked up to it just before they lowered it and had a moment. Then we told them we were ready and we started lowering it. We started to hug and just has they started to lower it the church bells went off. It wasn't planed but it worked out that way. It was beautiful. Loosing my dad was one of the hardest thing in my life...even harder the month and year after however the days right after his passing were peaceful and lovely and I will always cherish how perfect they were.

Loosing my dad

The following pictures and posts are over nearly a two week period. This was the last two weeks of my fathers life. Hands down loosing my dad has been the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It is actually November and I am just feeling strong enough to write about this very hard time in my life. I wish I was strong enough to write in those moments when I was in the moment. However now I feel like my feelings are still very raw and my thoughts are still very painful. I wish this was some perfect beautiful tribute to such a wonderful man, but it is still so painful. Maybe one day I will have the strength to write one for now this will have to do.

I've had a sore throat so I haven't been able to visit my parents house. I'm so thankful for FaceTime at least I can see their faces and have a nice chat with my mom, papa slept through the whole thing. Poor guy gets warn out. Fingers crossed I feel better in the morning

 Papa woke up today and grab Lulu's foot. I figure this picture is pretty much priceless

For the past year my boys in every prayer prayed papa would get better. Finally one day when driving home from my parents. I told Eli we needed to stop praying for him to get better but pray for comfort. Eli was shocked and I told him that papa wasn't going to get better. He then said, "so he is going to heaven? He will be with Jesus? His spirit will go to heaven and his body in the ground? and then Jesus will come again and Papa's spirit will get back in his body." He said this so sweet, with a bit of sad and a bit of joy. It was a beautiful lesson for me about the facts and what really matters. A beautiful lesson from a 5 year old boy.

 This lady has been by his side every step of the way. She has been his rock. 42 years of love going on for eternity

 My cousin Skyler got his mission call today. If you know my dad this stuff is very important to him. Since he couldn't go we FaceTimed him there. My dad has been sleeping a lot and he perked right up to see this. This is the first time I have seen excitement on his face in a long long time. I want my kids to remember and know how important this is to him

 I can't think of anything more true to me right now. My life was blessed because of him.  I love him

Today my dad just up and decided he was going out. There is only one place he wanted to go. If you saw him in the past two weeks you'd wonder how he found the strength

 

 When Kenyon and Tiffany visited my dad was very emotional. This day the spirit was so strong

Heaven took another one of earths angels today. We ❤ you Papa

I don't even know what to write or where to start. In his final moments my dad was a peace. He told us he saw his sister (she passed before I was born) and that he was in for a real treat. I know my dad was a righteous man and with his dying breath he was teaching me how important family is, that the gospel is essential to our happiness, he bore his testimony with how he lived and how he died. Even now after he is gone I have found old letters our pictures that he has left that continue to teach me these things.

In his final moments I was tired of watching him suffer. I was "willing" to let him go. I just couldn't watch him suffer anymore. At this point his body was just a prison. I was with him has he took his last breath. I had my hand on his chest and I felt it go in and I felt and heard it puff out. I felt his pulse leave. I don't think I will ever forget what my hand felt like on his boney chest. (boney is such a funny way to disrobe my dad. He was always so muscle and strong). I am glad I was there and glad Jacob was there.

I now know I had no idea what I was giving up. I'm selfish in my thoughts because when he was sick I wanted him to be free. Now I struggle with the simple fact that I wish he was sick in his chair so I could just be by him (how sick is that?) I know I will never get over my dads death. I will only get stronger and learn how to move on, but I will always love and him and miss him dearly.

Aly's 1st High School VB game

 As most of you know my father is losing his battle with cancer. However he won't let a "little" thing like that stop him from going to one of his loved ones games. Tonight was such a sweet reminder of how supportive and proud he was of me during my volleyball days. he never missed a game. He lived for them. I love him. I'm so lucky he's my dad.

 There she is another Gilbert Tiger volleyball player. Way to go Aly. I'm not going to lie I'm one proud aunty .

She didn't trust that tiger and therefore didn't take her eyes off him. It was hilarious.

We got back from Milwakee last night just in time to come to Aly's first High School volleyball game. They played Basha and killed them. Aly played awesome! I had so much fun and it took me back to the good old days I even stayed and watched Varsity. My dad even made it which was extra special because he has been so sick. It took a lot out of him, but it was one of the sweetest things I have ever seen. My dad has always been very supportive of his children and grandchildren. He comes to all of their games and cheers them on. I remember in my days my dad way always there. He would be there driving his tractor, but he would be there.

Peak my dad coming
Pit realizing I'm getting old! Geeze I played a long time ago.
I never want to forget to follow my dads example. I need to be at every single one of my kids games. Showing my love and support for them.

Memorial day In milwalkee

We just got back from our annual trip to Milwaukee and man we had a good time. I got a little nervous getting on the plane with 3 little ones for so long by myself with a lay over. Plus we added time because our lay over was totally out of the way. I learned it is far better to pay for a more expensive ticket then to deal with the kids on a plane a lone. The flights actually went great until the last two minutes when Lili pooped through her clothes and Liam fell as asleep as we were landing. Obviously I couldn't carry him, Lili and all our stuff. Needless to say at the moment things got complicated. Lili seemed to be teething and every night would poop all over her crib...that wasn't fun. We mainly spent our days at the Malnars but one day we went to the children's, museum, we went to the zoo twice (once when Jacob was there and another with out him) We went to Chicago, and went to the museum of Science and industry, and of course we made it to the Walworth county fair.

So this picture was taken as we were landing. I was so happy we made it and everything went pretty smooth. Wrong! 5 minutes later all heck broke loose. Liam fell asleep and didn't want to get off the plane Lilly had a blow out and the airline broke my stroller

I put Lilly to bed and then saw this...This right here is the exact reason I fly by myself with three small children. Seriously these cousins are having so much fun and they are loving it

Her first sucker

 

 

 

I never want to forget...

• Again this year at the fair it was very hot. We stayed a little bit too long and we all were very hot, very tired and very thirsty. On the way to the car I looked at the kids and stopped and said Jacob if we don't get a drink now all heck is gong to break loose on the way home. Jacob talked the Lemonade people into giving us water. Oh my goodness that water was heavenly. We all were drinking it like mad. Once we got to the car Ben and cooled it down and tried to get Liam out of the stroller and into the car. Liam said to Ben, "In just a second I will get up. Right now I am so thirsty. I will take a drink and then get up." Liam then drank for a minute or so. Then he got up and looked and me and ben and with a totally serious face said, "mom I was so hot I almost DIED!" I died laughing most people don't speak Liam so when I told everyone else we all started laughing he is such a funny boy.
• I don't know why but for some reason during or visit Eli would always fight with Benson. It was like Eli didn't understand he was a baby and would get mad when Benson would do little things. It seriously took the whole week to make Eli understand the Benson was a baby.
• On the plane ride home Eli would randomly start crying and say I miss my friends. I want to go back and play with my friends. It broke my heart. I wish our family lived closer.
• First trip to Chicago for me. It was a blast. Totally different then I expected. I thought it would be similar to New York , but nope. It has it's own cool vibe.