Loosing my dad

The following pictures and posts are over nearly a two week period. This was the last two weeks of my fathers life. Hands down loosing my dad has been the most painful thing I have ever experienced. It is actually November and I am just feeling strong enough to write about this very hard time in my life. I wish I was strong enough to write in those moments when I was in the moment. However now I feel like my feelings are still very raw and my thoughts are still very painful. I wish this was some perfect beautiful tribute to such a wonderful man, but it is still so painful. Maybe one day I will have the strength to write one for now this will have to do.

I've had a sore throat so I haven't been able to visit my parents house. I'm so thankful for FaceTime at least I can see their faces and have a nice chat with my mom, papa slept through the whole thing. Poor guy gets warn out. Fingers crossed I feel better in the morning

 Papa woke up today and grab Lulu's foot. I figure this picture is pretty much priceless

For the past year my boys in every prayer prayed papa would get better. Finally one day when driving home from my parents. I told Eli we needed to stop praying for him to get better but pray for comfort. Eli was shocked and I told him that papa wasn't going to get better. He then said, "so he is going to heaven? He will be with Jesus? His spirit will go to heaven and his body in the ground? and then Jesus will come again and Papa's spirit will get back in his body." He said this so sweet, with a bit of sad and a bit of joy. It was a beautiful lesson for me about the facts and what really matters. A beautiful lesson from a 5 year old boy.

 This lady has been by his side every step of the way. She has been his rock. 42 years of love going on for eternity

 My cousin Skyler got his mission call today. If you know my dad this stuff is very important to him. Since he couldn't go we FaceTimed him there. My dad has been sleeping a lot and he perked right up to see this. This is the first time I have seen excitement on his face in a long long time. I want my kids to remember and know how important this is to him

 I can't think of anything more true to me right now. My life was blessed because of him.  I love him

Today my dad just up and decided he was going out. There is only one place he wanted to go. If you saw him in the past two weeks you'd wonder how he found the strength

 

 When Kenyon and Tiffany visited my dad was very emotional. This day the spirit was so strong

Heaven took another one of earths angels today. We ❤ you Papa

I don't even know what to write or where to start. In his final moments my dad was a peace. He told us he saw his sister (she passed before I was born) and that he was in for a real treat. I know my dad was a righteous man and with his dying breath he was teaching me how important family is, that the gospel is essential to our happiness, he bore his testimony with how he lived and how he died. Even now after he is gone I have found old letters our pictures that he has left that continue to teach me these things.

In his final moments I was tired of watching him suffer. I was "willing" to let him go. I just couldn't watch him suffer anymore. At this point his body was just a prison. I was with him has he took his last breath. I had my hand on his chest and I felt it go in and I felt and heard it puff out. I felt his pulse leave. I don't think I will ever forget what my hand felt like on his boney chest. (boney is such a funny way to disrobe my dad. He was always so muscle and strong). I am glad I was there and glad Jacob was there.

I now know I had no idea what I was giving up. I'm selfish in my thoughts because when he was sick I wanted him to be free. Now I struggle with the simple fact that I wish he was sick in his chair so I could just be by him (how sick is that?) I know I will never get over my dads death. I will only get stronger and learn how to move on, but I will always love and him and miss him dearly.